what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Walk of Shame today included voting.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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