my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
