Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
