I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
