apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She needs sedatives and a leash
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
