How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
