I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
