I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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