Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I could fuck to npr.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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