Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
