He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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