I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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