God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
