i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
