I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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