I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
