and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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