On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
