Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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