You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
