I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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