Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
