he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Panties = found
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
