we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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