Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
it's great music for shaving your balls
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
