What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
