so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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