My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
