John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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