i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
