I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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