thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
