im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
