Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
