I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
