I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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