Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
They are going to name an STD after you.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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