I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
