somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
