well you can't waste a boner
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
as a side note pls kill me
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
