checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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