Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
