he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
