Barsexuality is the new black.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
