its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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