Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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