If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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