just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
