Having a random hookup so left but love u
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
