we'll go far in life on tits alone.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
