Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
